picture source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/200691727122515616/
I could take this car and go, speeding recklessly down highways, never stop, to get away from what? This pain overwhelms, cripples my thoughts, restricts my movements, and I cannot determine the source of it. I’ve berated myself for being self-indulgent, ungrateful, feeding my ego, living in yesterday, wishing for tomorrow. I feel nothing, not love, not hate, not hope, just empty and cold and alone. I have faked smiles, I’ve given, encouraged, put a light on in another’s darkness. I’ve watched your response, doubtfully hopeful, hesitant, but I’ve been gifted too with your smile. At the streetlight I stop, colours catch my eye, green pines, orange bright, crisp blue rays, the song from the speakers swims through me. A bird swoops, red turns green and the grime in the gutters reappears, the beggars and impatient cars stream into my vision, the holes in the tarmac drawing me to the decay, showing me the rotten humanity, I cannot face anymore, this focus on my dissatisfaction, rebellion, trapped and held by my own mind, I cannot muster a selfless response, knowing is no longer enough. In these dead-end surroundings, amongst the harshness of poverty, pointless existence steals the pleasure previously felt. Hopeless, dreary, destructive, self-destructive, I must get through another day and you ask me why I am crying?