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I could take this
car and go, speeding recklessly down highways, never stop, to get away from
what? This pain overwhelms, cripples my thoughts, restricts my movements, and I
cannot determine the source of it. I’ve
berated myself for being self-indulgent, ungrateful, feeding my ego, living in
yesterday, wishing for tomorrow. I feel
nothing, not love, not hate, not hope, just empty and cold and alone. I have faked smiles, I’ve given, encouraged,
put a light on in another’s darkness. I’ve watched your response, doubtfully
hopeful, hesitant, but I’ve been gifted too with your smile. At the streetlight I stop, colours catch my
eye, green pines, orange bright, crisp blue rays, the song from the
speakers swims through me. A bird swoops, red turns green and the grime in the
gutters reappears, the beggars and impatient cars stream into my vision, the
holes in the tarmac drawing me to the decay, showing me the rotten humanity, I
cannot face anymore, this focus on my dissatisfaction, rebellion, trapped and
held by my own mind, I cannot muster a selfless response, knowing is no longer enough.
In these dead-end surroundings, amongst the harshness of poverty, pointless
existence steals the pleasure previously felt. Hopeless, dreary, destructive,
self-destructive, I must get through another day and you ask me why I am crying?
I think that's how it starts. We drench ourselves in pain, then we stop looking at ourselves like we're the same person. Looking at oneself from the outside shows that essentially the one in pain is someone else.
ReplyDeleteThen we seek who he/she is, and find that he or she is a version of ourself stemming its origin from fear.Is there another version of me, I often ask myself? and then I look for her.
I hope you see what I mean.
Have a good day.
xx
Such an emotion filled piece. I feel your subject's sense of helplessness, desparation, but also a tiny hint of determination.
ReplyDeleteA good example of how writing can, sometimes at least, express that which is nearly inexpressible. Very strong.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like my worst days. I was given a mind that is never satisfied and sometimes gets stuck in a loop of despair and loneliness. Trying to solve the un-solvable the endless problem of me. It is trap I created and on my best days I can push it aside and not feed it and be free. Every day I blame myself is a day lost.
ReplyDeleteOh don't cry!!!
ReplyDeleteAltho, sometimes crying DOES make us feel better, like a cleansing. Now who'd getting philosophical? Me? Nah!!! I especially appreciated the line: "the holes in the tarmac drawing me to the decay, showing me the rotten humanity"...if that is the case, where I live the holes in our roads and streets show we're the rottenest in the world. hehehehehe
Just get in your little red sports car and drive!!!
The ending... One more reason!
ReplyDeleteAfter coming to Canada from Europe in 1982 ... I could not conform to the relatively tame driving habits here for a while ... cuz I was used to passing and speeding for so long ... physically and mentally that is ... but after a few physical and social speeding tickets, and other accidents and incidents, I finally learned my lesson ... most of the time anyway ... Keep smiling, friend Shadow ... I will if you will ... Love, cat.
ReplyDelete