Wednesday, August 14, 2019

I am the darkness

It is cold and unpleasant, another day without sunshine,
my mind a hamster wheel spinning out of control,
I can no longer fool myself into believing everything will be alright
when I can see pieces flying off into shadowed tomorrows,
building a cloud, a dark storm cloud I have no way of avoiding,
with no protection, no defences, no strength left to fight,
I have exhausted every mind trick, every belief, every healer known to me,
yet the circle keeps coming around and points its dirty finger in my face,
‘You are mine, I have claimed you, I will not relinquish my control,
no matter what route you choose, you won’t find relief,
I’m inherent in your being, I’m the space surrounding spaces,
what makes you think you have what it takes to remove me
when I am the darkness and I am you.’

Thursday, July 25, 2019

Into the unknown

Where do you go when your back is against the wall,
when there’s nowhere left to go,
when there is no way out,
when the rough hard concrete bites icy cold
and the world is tinged red with your blood?

There is nothing left, I’m so cold I can no longer feel,
I cannot think, I cannot breathe, I cannot swallow,
the murky mess in my mind now barely a whisper,
I am fading away into a mist of emptiness,
deep into the silent unknown.

Saturday, June 29, 2019

Let's get hypnotised


Let’s get hypnotised and fly over mountains and through the skies,
light as a breeze, warm as the rays of the sun,
drift with the spirits and angels,
talk to the devil, pull him by the tail and dismiss his lies with a laugh,
keep on flying until we can fly no more,
rest on a cloud and fall



                                                                           in love…..

Friday, June 21, 2019

now I will play

The warm wind is blowing on the eve of the storm,
building and growing, swelling and rising in the distance, nearing,
but I do not care for the promised tempest,
I do not care for safeguards and security,
I must run through the still calm waves,
splashing, laughing gleefully, exuberant,
feel the fingers of the warm breeze
run along my legs and arms, through my hair,
have the sun touch my wanting skin,
feast my eyes on the golden sands stretched out before me,
I plunge headlong into dizzying pleasure.
……not even the storm is promised to me
and it will come whether I hide or not,
so for now, for now I will play….

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

My Shadow

It’s been so long, I have trouble seeing the intent that drove me,
cannot quite distinguish between impulsion and authenticity anymore,
has routine marred the shine and allure that once burned so brightly,
has it blinded me to the attractions and fairgrounds I passed along the way,
detracted me from obscured pathways accessible to me
and closed the door to like-minded beings?
Has this habit been ingrained by a living need towards a mutual purpose,
or is it driven by the shadows that ravage my soul night after night,
deepening its possession, deepening its domination,
accelerating the disintegration of a self-destructive being…

Saturday, June 8, 2019

The Shadow World

The shadows that dwell deep
in the hidden crevices of the psyche,
deliver purviews of a portent
guaranteed to shake the very foundation of your self,
shattering pretence and reality
to reconstruct a semblance of sanity,
for you to build on anew,
once the smoke of destruction has cleared.

Friday, May 24, 2019

ad - dic - tion

I went to rehab for alcohol addiction in 2006, after which I made contact with an online recovery community scattered all over the world, and I remember a specific blog I read, written by the mother of a heroin addicted son.  She shared her life of his daily struggle against the addiction to heroin, going to one rehab centre after the other, the frustration at the ineffectiveness of these programmes, including the methadone treatment for heroin addicts to facilitate the detox period, with methadone itself being a highly addictive drug.  She wrote about how it tore her family apart, the financial losses suffered as he stole from the family to support his habit, the Tough Love approach, and the ultimate confrontation with helplessness in being unable to help her own son!, the lifting periods where he was not using and trying to resume his life (invariably these addicts have police records making employment difficult), only to fall again when he turned to the only god know to the users of heroin.

This morning I watched an interview addressing the drug zone in San Francisco, how junkies live in tents on the pavements, shoot up in broad daylight and die on their streets from overdose, all in full view of San Francisco residents and law enforcement.  The City thence deemed it prudent to alleviate this problem by creating ‘safe spaces’ for these addicts, where they are provided with new/clean needles and have even made nurses available to inject these addicts, if they so choose.  We are talking about a drug called Heroin, the one and only instantly addictive drug, a drug with a recovery rate of as low as 20%, a drug that almost always ends in overdose, in death, this drug offers very few second chances.

I grew up in an alcoholic home, and around the age of 15 I went on a ‘quest’ to escape what felt like hell. Everything available to me was tried, used, abused. Alcohol wasn’t strong enough to quell my rebellion, I wanted drugs. I researched drugs, the effects of various drugs, I was not interested in finding a pleasurable escape from reality, I aimed to numb every feeling I ever had, I wanted to numb my memories, my daily life, my existence. Fortunately I was young during a time in our history where drugs were not tolerated as they are today, a time when drugs were considered criminal.  Laws were in place that discouraged the use of drugs and lawmen were vigilant in applying these laws.

Looking back 30 years, I shudder to think where I would be today, were such ‘safe spaces’ available to me at that time.  I don’t know whether I’d be here to write these words, because as hurt and full of pain as I was then, I needed to be numb, I was chasing oblivion, I was seeking self-destruction.  I pray for all the damaged and hurt children, in San Francisco, in America, who have these avenues open to them, who do not have a chance because the Fathers of the City believe they can treat this problem by making it easier for the addict to take drugs and I pray for some sanity to return to this bleeding world of ours.

Friday, May 3, 2019

Passage of Time

The livers of life,
the lovers of souls,
the wishes of dreamers,
the whispers of hope,

the cries of the broken,
the calls for reform,
the fury of destruction,
the fire in those reborn,

the legacy left by our elders,
the labour of our love,
the passing of the seasons,
the power to change what must.