For the New Year

Free falling through the ashes of time,

paths carved from the choices made and footsteps taken,

there is no way of returning there,

there is no going back,

salty water washes over my body

tasting every desire and regret that has touched my soul,

this is what has been,

this is who I am,

and even though oblivion feels like a feasible choice,

to venture into the dark night, a viable alternative,

I suspect I shan’t cross that line, ‘cause there is a light

trying to escape through the cracks made by your ceaseless attacks,

and it will free my soul, free the love, free the oppression of that which was,

Happy New Year

31.12.2018

Goodbye

What’s done is done, what is, is,

there is nothing, nOthIng I can do to change it,

reverse it, do again, try again, touch again, feel again

because you are gone, forever gone.

This emptiness will stay a while,

the silent echo of your dying heartbeat haunting me,

the twisting, wringing pain your leaving has left behind,

and this powerlessness is crippling,

for you cannot be replaced,

nor will you ever be here again……

I said I was ready to let you go but that was not altogether true,

I wanted you to be new again and I could not do that,

and through it all you stayed by my side,

you came to me, greeted me with boundless joy,

you loved me too, neither was meant to lose the other.

I am angry, my earth-bound self condemning a cruel god,

I’m too human to believe in the unsubstantiated in the face of this loss,

I do not have enough faith in the unknown for it to offer comfort,

my faith lies with you, who you were, how you felt, what you did.

You are gone and it’s tearing me up inside,

time will change this, all things pass, the good and the bad,

and I cannot bear losing any more of you,

images I know will fade with each passing day,

so for now I will wallow in your memories,

and I will always follow you, look for you,

‘cause even through my anger there is a knowing

I will find you again, in another life, another dimension,

in another form or shape, but I will find you again, I will, I have to, I love you,

1.2008 - 27.12.2018.

Confessions of a Haunted Mind

There are parts of me so dark even I don’t wish to dwell there too long,

pieces of my life no-one will ever hear about unless you happen to have been there,

things I cannot acknowledge I was a part of, even instrumental in creating,

and there they remain, forevermore carved into my psyche, onto my bones.

What madness made them mine,

what sanity escaped me,

what reasoning allowed them in…

...…that’s the side of me that is disturbed and detached,

forms impulses that scare me, reactions too foreign to be my own.

This fearful darkness is a part of me I guard,

prevent it from being seen, from gaining a foothold in my reason,

and I’d rather bear the scars as it claws at me, fully knowing I am harming myself,

for as much as they hurt me, they can hurt you too.

                    

Citations of an Unwritten Book #1

It was a rainy day, dawn hadn’t even broken when dusk settled in.  Her appointment was for 4, a call on her way postponed it to 5.30.  It was pointless to go back so she drove to the address she’d been given.  The parking lots was full, she turned into the side street and found a spot half a block down.  She turned off the engine, slid down in her seat, curling up, warming herself, the pelting rain a million drumsticks beating out a monotonous rhythm on the canvas roof, her lids grew heavy, she fell asleep….

……only to be jerked awake to a thunderous knocking on her window, ‘Ma’am, ma’am, are you alright? You’re not to be parking here alone so late at night, it be not safe?’  She blinked, sat upright, blinked again, this must be a dream, where the hell was she, what was the time, it’s dark out, and how did the buildings and streets turn into an ocean and the beach?

Broken, just broken

Please tell, please tell me

what it is you see

tell me what colours your dreams black

eyes cold, eyes cold cry

there's blood on your cheeks

tears that come from the depths of your soul

show me, show me where

did the sword cut you deep,

show me what has you struggling for air

please tell, please tell me

I stand helpless here

tell me who stabbed you in the back