The day I drove past my childhood home

picture credit: http://nightkn8.deviantart.com/art/Old-Mansion-198319322

I realized I had been avoiding it,

much as I had ‘lost’ contact with people from school,

shunned reunion’s as a rating game to see how you've fared in life,

on this, the day, I found myself in viewing distance

of the house in which I grew up...

I looked at a house that was no longer there

and heard the whisper of children’s voices on the wind...

grown up’s dictating, children obeying, silence when ordered so…

And as more images tumbled over one another in a chaotic mess,

I found myself searching for flashes of happiness,

for regret that I no longer lived there, was 14-years old,

free from any responsibility and looking forward to the rest of my life...

surely they must also be there somewhere?

Had that even lived there, or had it been struck from the record

by too many bleary eyes, apprehension of what will be

and the never-ending state of pretend in which we lived.

Blame

Deny

Hide

Pretend

…those were the rules of that 14-year old girl:

no use making ties, reject attachments -

much easier than to trying to explain and giving them ammo -

don’t excel, don’t fail, just stay in the field that warrants the least attention,

don’t side, don’t speak out, be agreeable and make peace no matter what.

Yet each time the moon colored the world a happy silver

she felt the shame that wasn't her’s to bear,

bowed under the guilt that wasn't her’s to carry,

and cried for the choices that weren't her’s to make…

Are these the images that remained, even after all these years???

I stare at this house so familiar, yet oddly foreign,

where the color is wrong and the trees have disappeared…

a house that looks like it’s been stripped by heartache and despair,

a garden that’s surrendered to the ravages of nature.

And as I drive away I wonder whether it is the memories that taint this house,

or whether time has simply waged its war and won…