Reflections

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Yesterday is flying through my mind,

touching and tasting long forgotten memories,
bringing to life what once was,
allowing me to reflect on who I once was,
the choices I made, the roads I travelled.
 
I feel shivers down my spine,
of disbelief and relief alike.
I do not regret what has transpired,
even feel a sense of nostalgia,
not so much to moments, but to feelings,
wondering…
if I’d known what is to come
maybe I’d have lived life more joyously
instead of in the cloud of sadness that prevailed,
of not belonging, not understanding why I felt what I did,
how I tried to shape myself to expectations
which only tightened the noose around my neck.
 
Yet through it all, I felt the candle burning in my soul,
the light that was there that wouldn’t go out,
that pushed me to wait until dawn
that created the dreamworld I regularly escaped to,
the one everyone always told me to forget,
the one, which kept me going day after day.
 
Tears of gratitude shimmer in my eyes
for all that has passed, all that’s been said and done,
for I would not find myself in this very moment in time,
with the knowing, wisdom and joy in my heart
if it had not been for the heartache and tears
that brought me to my knees,
to surrender,
to love.