Thursday, November 2, 2017

Life's a rollercoaster

picture source:

It is all in my hands
I hold the reigns
To direct the way, to make things happen, to choose the direction,
I have the ability
To lead my own life
To enjoy what I do, to follow my heart, to create my dreams,
I have the authority
To say No, to say Yes, to opt out, to ask questions, to respectfully refuse
I have the right
To deny my love, to change my friends, my home, my surroundings, my life

What happened to make me believe I am not worthy of your time, made me feel I have no gift, no talent, for music, drawing, writing... why do I feel I do not matter, am not significant enough, don’t know enough, am somehow lacking.  What happened for me to presume I am too inconsequential to be missed, have made no contributions, haven’t helped somebody, somewhere, at some time, why do I feel love is conditional, why don’t I own my part in making things happen, why do I feel nothing I’ve created is my own, why can’t I find a place where I belong, how can thoughts be so crippling sometimes……


  1. We can do it, we can do it all, friend Shadow ... It's a matter of falling down and getting up ... Simple as that, hmmm? ... Winter arrived here yesterday and will stay til May ... Summer in your country I assume ... Happy Summer to you, friend ... smiles ... Love always, cat.

    1. ... better than TV ... Love, cat.

  2. On those days when thoughts get crippled and there is no will to carry on, one must find strength in hidden chambers of the heart.

  3. The flip side we battle every single day - the positive versus the negative.

  4. Maybe the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with is to find I'm not as important to someone else as they are to me. I still have no idea how to deal with it.

    1. Charles you deal with it by allowing it to be a misconception on your part. Doesn't mean you have to lower your expectation just adjust your understanding.

  5. The first section; what is that a goal? Or is it perhaps what you have known all along Shadow but have not exercised those rights as a human enough. Have you bought into the "woman is weaker" myth? I know it is hard to stand when all that you have learned as a child told you to sit--fuck that. And to them who would point to the chair--Fuck 'em.

    To the second section you ask "what happened," only you can look back and answer that shit. I spent a few years looking back and saw every single instance in my mind that taught I was not---worthy, acceptable, good, talented...blah blah blah. There were two hard parts to moving forward.

    1) Forgiving them who had knowingly harmed me, The others were easier.

    2) Forgiving myself for carrying baggage others put on me. Once I unloaded their crap off my back I turned from a camel to a wild horse.

    You mention legacy--I think you're at an age (yes I remember about how old you are)where looking back and trying to determine if the present merits the past or is there something that will stand in your stead once gone better than a slab of granite or whatever.

    How about this as a legacy--not your words, poetry, or art. Not the kid or the old man, not the things you leave here at all.

    legacy is shape, how did you shape the world? Over the years you have shaped the world to something, now you , ( I TELL YOU< shape it to fit you without regard for how others feel about the shape of things, or the feel of their new altered position in it.

    The planet is round the world on the other hand is YOURS to mold to your liking and if you find resistance to the new handcrafted molding those that do no like it have the right to not be a part of it. Again "fuck 'em" <<God knows I love that philosophy.

  6. Always remember: You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friend's nose. Ha

  7. You matter. Two simple words and yes maybe cliched but there is the power of truth in those two words. You matter. So it's not about worth or the perceived lack thereof ... and these perceptions are not flawless are they ... they are borne from happenings that we can't change but only deal with. The way you write touches something deep in many, I can see that by the comments and by my own response. xx Jos

  8. My motto take one day at a time, when I start doing flashbacks or fast-forward, I lose perspective and get caught in traps.

    Remember you are important there is no one like you...