For the New Year

Free falling through the ashes of time,

paths carved from the choices made and footsteps taken,

there is no way of returning there,

there is no going back,

salty water washes over my body

tasting every desire and regret that has touched my soul,

this is what has been,

this is who I am,

and even though oblivion feels like a feasible choice,

to venture into the dark night, a viable alternative,

I suspect I shan’t cross that line, ‘cause there is a light

trying to escape through the cracks made by your ceaseless attacks,

and it will free my soul, free the love, free the oppression of that which was,

Happy New Year

31.12.2018

Goodbye

What’s done is done, what is, is,

there is nothing, nOthIng I can do to change it,

reverse it, do again, try again, touch again, feel again

because you are gone, forever gone.

This emptiness will stay a while,

the silent echo of your dying heartbeat haunting me,

the twisting, wringing pain your leaving has left behind,

and this powerlessness is crippling,

for you cannot be replaced,

nor will you ever be here again……

I said I was ready to let you go but that was not altogether true,

I wanted you to be new again and I could not do that,

and through it all you stayed by my side,

you came to me, greeted me with boundless joy,

you loved me too, neither was meant to lose the other.

I am angry, my earth-bound self condemning a cruel god,

I’m too human to believe in the unsubstantiated in the face of this loss,

I do not have enough faith in the unknown for it to offer comfort,

my faith lies with you, who you were, how you felt, what you did.

You are gone and it’s tearing me up inside,

time will change this, all things pass, the good and the bad,

and I cannot bear losing any more of you,

images I know will fade with each passing day,

so for now I will wallow in your memories,

and I will always follow you, look for you,

‘cause even through my anger there is a knowing

I will find you again, in another life, another dimension,

in another form or shape, but I will find you again, I will, I have to, I love you,

1.2008 - 27.12.2018.

Confessions of a Haunted Mind

There are parts of me so dark even I don’t wish to dwell there too long,

pieces of my life no-one will ever hear about unless you happen to have been there,

things I cannot acknowledge I was a part of, even instrumental in creating,

and there they remain, forevermore carved into my psyche, onto my bones.

What madness made them mine,

what sanity escaped me,

what reasoning allowed them in…

...…that’s the side of me that is disturbed and detached,

forms impulses that scare me, reactions too foreign to be my own.

This fearful darkness is a part of me I guard,

prevent it from being seen, from gaining a foothold in my reason,

and I’d rather bear the scars as it claws at me, fully knowing I am harming myself,

for as much as they hurt me, they can hurt you too.

                    

Citations of an Unwritten Book #1

It was a rainy day, dawn hadn’t even broken when dusk settled in.  Her appointment was for 4, a call on her way postponed it to 5.30.  It was pointless to go back so she drove to the address she’d been given.  The parking lots was full, she turned into the side street and found a spot half a block down.  She turned off the engine, slid down in her seat, curling up, warming herself, the pelting rain a million drumsticks beating out a monotonous rhythm on the canvas roof, her lids grew heavy, she fell asleep….

……only to be jerked awake to a thunderous knocking on her window, ‘Ma’am, ma’am, are you alright? You’re not to be parking here alone so late at night, it be not safe?’  She blinked, sat upright, blinked again, this must be a dream, where the hell was she, what was the time, it’s dark out, and how did the buildings and streets turn into an ocean and the beach?

Broken, just broken

Please tell, please tell me

what it is you see

tell me what colours your dreams black

eyes cold, eyes cold cry

there's blood on your cheeks

tears that come from the depths of your soul

show me, show me where

did the sword cut you deep,

show me what has you struggling for air

please tell, please tell me

I stand helpless here

tell me who stabbed you in the back

The Lonely Guitar

Sitting alone in an empty house

a lonely guitar and smoky voice

takes my hand and leads me down forbidden paths,

shows me an album of memories

pulled out of yesterday into today,

it’s no dream, it’s a real as the goosebumps on my skin,

and it’s hot, your touch commanding,

I’m enslaved to this moment,

to these visions neither time nor distance can eradicate.

The Story of your Life

picture credit: https://bonjonour.wordpress.com/2015/09/02/surreal-photography-art/

A good life is a gift, a gift of moments with laughter on your lips, your interests piqued, full awareness of your senses,

what is more welcoming than the recognition of a kindred soul, a like-minded stranger in an obscure location, those instant connections beyond time,

moments that creep into your memory to stay, to recall on rainy mornings, stormy afternoons and uneasy darkened hours,

and through the years these moments keep growing, startling realisations and welcoming surprises multiply into a glorious rainbow, to form The Story of your Life, treat your gift well.

Dreams and Dreamers

Dreams just keep on dreaming

reaching higher than before,

dreams are changing, ever changing,

there’s no exit from this door,

you can live in your creation,

awe and wonder painted real

and the pictures keep on growing,

yes you’re in them, never fear,

and the dreamers will keep on dreaming

build on what they had before,

dreamers change, they’re ever changing,

let us walk on through this door.

The Mist over the Ocean

There is no moon to guide me, there is no sun to light the way, you’re disappearing into a mist stretching south to eternity,

and it keeps getting thicker, visibility reduces to nil, the air is so moist I am drowning in an ocean of sorrow,

my breaths get shorter, my eyelids grow heavy, a comforting numbness wraps itself around me, too alluring to resist, to become weightless,

don’t let me drift into this endless sleep, only you can pull me back before I sink, only you can give me back my sight, my meaning, my purpose. Don't go?

away...

The hour is late, the streets deserted, orange pools of light the lonely sentries in the dark, we’re in your car driving past the old stone church, race up the dual carriageway towards…  there’s a tension in the air, I keep looking over my shoulder, are those headlights following us or is it my paranoia finding threats fuelled by fear, that don’t exist… I look over to you, your eyes focussed on the road, your body adeptly in control on this mad flight across the city, away from them, away from all known, away…

and again we pass the old stone church, turn left up the dual carriageway, the energy flowing one of hurriedness to reach privacy, seclusion, to the fulfilment of plans devised, dreams we dragged into reality, toward a togetherness, a new way of living, and your eyes shine with excitement, brighter than the streetlights in the darkest hours of this night, your lips curl into a smile of victory, away from who we know, away from what we know, away…

and we pass the old stone church again, turning up the dual carriageway, puzzlement, frustration and confusion littering the air, loss of control brimming just under the surface, tethering at the abyss to insanity, why is this taking so long, how many churches must we pass, how many doors must we close, how many farewells must we issue before we’ll reach the outskirts of this town locking us in, until our page is clear and we are free to leave…

Fire

picture: my own

The sun a red ball in clouds

filtering rust into the light,

ash is falling like snowflakes

dusting all in black and white confetti,

acrid air scalds the throat

bringing tears to my eyes

both from smoke and distress

of the destruction burning

through once lush forests

and green vistas,

towards farmsteads and homes,

we are helpless against

the might of this fire

blazing along the waters edge.

https://www.georgeherald.com/News/Article/General/update-fires-in-garden-route-201810300247

picture: my own

Lovers of the Night

picture my own

The Full Moon is rising with the spirits free and strong, they ride on the silver light, that’s where they belong, creatures frightening to who shies away from dark but revealing hidden secrets if you’re one who wears their mark, loosened from the bonds you feel in daylight, are you one of those who will roam tonight?

(dis)trust

 

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The words were prepared in my head, practised over and over in a multitude of variations, until I had the courage and took a chance to entrust you with my darkness, believing you would listen with understanding, but you exploded with anger, gritting teeth and accusation, turning everything I said around to yourself, took my words and fired shot after shot in my direction… I become silent, cannot look you in the eyes, every word a physical blow, I murmur an apology not mine to make and escape your proximity, shutting out your voice, your presence… you told me I could tell you anything and I believed you, how could I have been so wrong.

The end of the line?

 

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You collapse before me, your eyes briefly blaze then turn dull, staring fixedly at a point beyond this world, and I freeze, a second in time stretching forever, I cannot move, I can only watch helplessly, an observer of something greater than me.  Then I’m struck by your pain, an overwhelming force transposed as my own, I need to reach you, hold you, shield you from the attack, I need to banish the sadness from your eyes, redraw the images bleeding across your vision, negate your anguish with my love, give you the strength to quell the illusion that this is the end of the line… 

no title

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Let it all go.

Let it fly in the wind.

Let it flow with the river.

Let it rise to the stars.

Let it run through green meadows.

Let it roll with the drums.

Let it hide in the darkness.

Let it be as it wants.

There is madness in the motion,

frightening laughter in my head,

cold detachment kills all feeling,

leaves me walking but I’m dead.

Just let it be......

picture source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/343047696607345451/

  

under a blanket of cloud that stills the spirit with its muted the light,

playful images tumble one over the other,

detracting thoughts from fully forming, they dissolve as smoke in the air,

and the pleasing warmth of your body lulls me into daydreams,

sparks fantastical notions which somehow don’t seems so fantastical anymore,

oh, there’s no time for sensibilities today,

unfold your mind, let it stretch beyond the boundaries

to your secret world where your dreams are in fact reality,

just let it be......

The Dream

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She was wandering through the market as the sun showered the world with its last golden waves, the smoke of wood fires and incense drifted in the breeze and one by one lights sparked alive, electrifying the air with energy and laughter.  The next instance, strong arms reached out from behind, wrapped around her waist, and drew her in tightly.  She gasped but didn’t struggle, she knew those arms, the scent, powerfully male, and the growl of delight and promises in her ear.

She relaxed into him without a word, the surrounding people and festivities having suddenly lost their appeal in his familiar warmth.  Sighing she turned around to face him, eye to eye, thigh to thigh.  Then he drew away, took her hand and led her through the throng down to the river now rippling silver in the moonlit night.

Under a tree away from the lights he kissed her, fierce was the longing of sinking souls long deprived of oxygen. In time they sank to the ground and started talking, laughing and asked and told, words flowing easily and unhindered as if they had never been apart.  They kept reaching out and touching each other to reassure themselves the other is indeed real, reclaiming familiar lines and contours with almost a feeling of reverence.

Then she sat back and looked at him, ‘So, why are you here?’ ‘I said I’d see you again, I had to, come with me…… will you?’

Her entire being stilled at these words, a million thoughts, doubts and dreams flashed before her eyes, she had no air and he had just breathed the freshest, cleanest air into her being.  Silently, her eyes still locked with his, she stood up, stretched out her hand, ‘Come, let’s go’ before breaking into a smile so bright it ignited the fire he’d been carefully controlling for a long time, it was their time to light up the skies with their dreams……

the duality of life

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It was a bitter battle between the heart and the mind,

an insurgence of duality, sense opposing the senses,

blurring the lines of right and wrong, of just and unjust,

when is selfish allowed to override selfless,

when is it mine to take, when should I retreat……

I concede defeat, I surrender without resistance

to obtain the freedom of my spirit, the object of my desire

in whichever form or shape, and proceed to love it

without guilt, without hesitation, fully and deeply

as was intended from the very beginning,

I have wasted too much time already.

When the heavens cry

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Tears are falling steadily from the heavens,

mist rises up from the forest floor

meeting clouds tasting the ground,

cold fingers trail along the back of my neck

and chase a chill down my spine,

before me, flames reach high into a bottomless blackness,

behind me, wild wild waves crash towards the shore with driven intent,

stay with me through this drenching storm

locked away from the outside world,

let the sky be our guide to finding our souls,

take this time, immerse yourself in me.

The path we travel

 

picture source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/AUDjwMjeAaOSQYMANKiL71YuGQW8FZURJit_K3XMoGRVrMPpMi8yZXU/

We have loved and been denied, choices made and crucified,

from a heady self-indulgence we were thrown in darkest dungeons,

still my soul finds its way back to you.

Maybe touched by angels’ wishes or a spell by idle witches,

you will live in me forever, I have fallen hard, however,

not one moment of our time would I undo.

When we’re together the world’s alive, we ignite, yes! oh, we thrive,

not an innocent path we chose, some’d rebuff it, heaven knows

I can’t turn from what we have, it’s always you.

...a day, with my son

picture source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/375909900142489992/

The rain is steadily falling, a misty sheet from silver skies spreading as far as my eyes can see,

the ocean’s end blends with the clouds so close and low if I reach out I could touch the end of the world,

I am mesmerised by the tiny drops that have formed a glistening crown on your hair, lighting up your beautiful face,

and I am speechless with wonder of this gift that is you in my life.

Silence of the mind

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How could my voice have retreated so far

into the deepest recesses of my mind,

silent games, mocking and sneering

at my frozen lips and flashing eyes

betraying all I am unable to express

to you……

'tis the night before Full Moon

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Late winter, the night before Full Moon, it’s 2.41am,

the sky’s as brightly lit as by the sun, at noon, mid-Summer,

only the brightest of bright stars grace this time with the moon

and when the wind doesn’t rattle the leaves in the trees

carrying with it the salty air from the ocean,

the waves reach for me, crash through me,

before the night drifts back into silence

and fluffy white clouds drift across a cold, lonely sky

to the clicking, it’s the rain song, of those tiny little frogs…

find your fire

picture source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/375909900132133053/

……the smouldering fire sparks alive,

lazy licks along smoking logs,

reaching, testing, claiming, the flames leap

higher and higher in joyful jubilation;

as should your soul as it shifts through the day,

touching, tasting, lighting the way

through the darkness, find your fire.

Friday at midnight

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This Friday all the 80’s rock songs were telling me how hard it is to live without you,

endless empty nights by myself, staring out the window as life passes me by……

endless are the black clouds storming over the horizon heading my way,

blazing are the bolts of lightning staring me in the eye, telling me things…

willful destruction with every dirty memory trawled from my deepest self,

death is preferable to a desolate, empty, meaningless existence without you.

00:36:25

How I feel is

not the answer

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to the dreams I have within,

what I’m saying

is denying

what is written on my skin.

So I ask you

do you know how

I can reach this place for me,

or is all I

have before me

that what is for me to be?

I have pow’r and

passion raging

deep within my darkest soul,

can’t be held back

why repress this

it is I who’d be the fool!

Let me fly now

through the heavens

freed, unfettered, ‘s meant to be,

if you'd like to

you can come too

live a lie’s not right for me.

Visions

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I see visions so real I can taste them,

visions of forests, lush and green stretching before me,

inviting me into their luxuriant fold of soft, soft leaves,

fingers, a thousand, touching my senses,

the instant recognition of something old,

from a long forgotten time and place,

just waiting for me to hear their voice,

see their words, acknowledge what I already know…

I cannot, I will not, I won't

picture source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/9499849186222737/

I see the dirt and I see the stains,

the cracks run deep through poisoned veins,

the marks of a broken nation in disgrace,

graffitied on the walls, tattooed on your face,

and I shudder, I turn and I run, and run, and run…

I cannot, I will not, be one and the same,

I don’t stand for you, I won’t play your game,

I’m not enrolling, I won’t play the part,

I’ll live all alone but I’ll be true to my heart,

I will not pretend, I’m sick of the motions,

I'll live off fresh air and fresh herbal potions,

but be a slave on the hamster wheel,

that I won’t be, I can think, I can feel.

New Moon Night

picture my own

When the heavens appear as rainbows melting into the ocean blue and silver,

when the crashing waves flood through your soul and wash away all wrongful memories,

when the new moon dons the skies this darkest of dark nights,

celebrate the death of the old, the past, that which does not serve you,

and embrace the warmth and the love and the growth of the Aspen,

protecting your ancestors, shading your present and reaching to your higher self.

The Dance of your Life

picture source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/70368812897424667/

.

Allow the world to fade away

feel the bass that’s beating low

take your hands and guide my hips

let the music take control

gasps of pleasure pass my lips

now look deep into my eyes

this is what I promise you

I’m the dance of your life

Doorways

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Have you found the gateway to other realms scattered oh so plentifully around us,

ones which instantly transport you into other dimensions?

These doorways to worlds alive in your mind, built by your memories and your imaginings,

your own creation of visions granted you on your daily wanderings,

limitless as your dreams, intoxicating as your favourite drug, the perfect avenue of escape…

when you’ve have enough of the assault on your senses in this toxic world,

when the noise in your head threatens to blow your present reality into derailment,

when the idiocracy you encounter burns your being when attempting to engage,

when your heart cries as witness to the self-destruction by fools disguised as our leaders

who have pledged allegiance with higher masters who will erase them as soon as their duty is fulfilled.

I miss

picture source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/375909900137719879/

I miss

being silly and goofy, impulsive, a little irresponsible,

laughing without thought and getting soaked in the rain,

staying out late and sleeping late, playing hooky and lazing away the time,

getting my clothes wet from playing in shallow waves,

walking barefoot through the village, preferably with an ice cream cone in my hand……

These are 55 words Galen Hayes's way, Joy at Verse Escape is our new host. If you want to play, head on there.