picture credit: http://www.deviantart.com/art/Shredded-197969750
How can she tell him that it’s over, when the reason is so vague, perplexing and bizarre, that when verbalised is not easily understood, nor does it make much sense.
They were drawn by a mutual pain, to escape their youth, and they managed to suppress that pain by drawing on each other. The scales tipped this way, then tipped that way, ‘til the stronger one touched the ground. He provided, he was her love, and his love for her was shown with gifts and the freedom he let her have.
She fell in with the scales hanging high above the ground, lived in that which for them he created, and over time she built a world in her mind, with her subconscious vision, a place where it was she who ruled the kingdom. Yet around the hidden corners of her mind were the closed drawers of her past, those which had started to murmur their dissent at being shut out for so long, getting louder and louder, tirelessly whispering, they wanted to be heard.
Thus she medicated her sins by heedlessly chasing every adrenalin rush she could find. The skies weren't high enough, the speed not fast enough, the risk never great enough to silence those voices. ‘Til chemicals found their way into her blood stream, and she liked how they felt, so she let them stay since at last she found the silent void she’d been seeking all along.
Then the moment of upheaval, when realisation pierced her senses, and the scars demanded answers… she was ready to face their guilt, accusations and disdain, she was ready to feel the pain for the first time without her self-prescribed drugs. 7 years of hell she lived in, a roller-coaster that threatened to unbalance her, whilst the silent attacks kept coming, unwanted and unexpected, and she withdrew into a silent space, without people, without hope.
‘Twas the last drawer that was holding her fast, the fear of dying too immense. Hope was running thin the day when the power of eternity crept into her soul and showed her that we’re all only here long enough to touch so many people, and when the line is at an end, that is the time to leave this realm. Don’t dwell on it, it will surely come, but ‘til then, “Please live”, said the spirit, “please, live”.
That is when she felt the walls of the castle shrink, the bonds of her life now cutting into her skin. She needed to live in a world that she created, without stings to hold her back, on a scale that is balanced, for she’s found the answers that she was seeking.
So how can she tell him that it’s over, with this reason so vague, perplexing and bizarre, and now that you have heard it, may not make much sense to you either...
no. well, i imagine it wont make too much sense to him when he first hears it...it is one of those things that takes time to process...to truly understand in our own hearts...like examining and freeing each of those drawers....its counter culture as well....
ReplyDeleteThe reason often is vague though - it rarely is clear, black and white. It's often grey and unclear even to the person feeling those feelings...
ReplyDeleteGod damn kiddo every word made perfect sense to me, probably because i was getting high 20 years longer, functioning but in whose reality, was it reality? Oh shit then MY feet touched the ground again and i had so many walls to deconstruct. Brick by brick i took them down for awhile, felt every hurt and took it back upon myself than forgave me for causing them.
ReplyDeleteIf the umbrella (still love that picture) is only big enough for one, can only carry one then you know what needs be said, but don't don't want to make another hurt again, don't want to be hurt again yourself. Want to breathe free air without the taste of someone else breathe on it then you have solid concrete reasons, not vague ideas. All i can tell you after 30 years with the one who balanced my scales is...test that brolly and see if it can handle the weight of two living free but together in the same hut,
You'll figure it out just like you figured out how to make your past public without fear or guilt.
Love You
TWM
Oh, my dear. It makes more sense to me than you'll ever know. Sadly.
ReplyDeleteIt makes sense, there is nothing to analyse, it's simply what happens
ReplyDeletePerhaps being clean and sober brought light to her and he wasn't what she needed...but yet, the love for each other remains strong. It could be a life chosen, or one wrong turn and the turn to a better view is yet to come.
ReplyDeleteThis is poetry Shadow.
Very intriquing bw photo and awesome writing ~ it is what it is ~ life situations ~
ReplyDeleteartmusedog and carol (A Creative Harbor)
ones inability to explain or conceptualize does not negate the rich narrative of what is occurring. Our stories are best guesses in the dark. Came from Mark D's Walking blog.
ReplyDeleteALOHA from Honolulu
ComfortSpiral
=^..^= . <3 . >< } } (°>
Must "reason" even be considered? Was the beginning of this particular part of life entered through a door of "reason"? Hell no.
ReplyDeleteYesss, one being hurt, that is sad but inevitable, especially if other has been hurting for a number of years. Living with needless suffering drains the very life out of...lessens the capability to help others (which IS our mission(?)...
Suggestion is--if not already attempted--confidential counsel with a helpful, willing, knowledgeable person. I've found rabbis to be wise choices for this assignment. They usually are married, and (also usually) extremely well-educated, yet flexibly sensible in dealing with human miseries. A prayer that you find PEACE and LIGHT has been sent just now, Shadow. God loves you and so does Grandpa Steve <3.
If it's that close to being over he must surely know or in the poem is the lady the only party thinking that? . . . . or maybe I have missed the point . . . it may be symbolic.
ReplyDeleteAlas, it makes all too painfully much sense to me. For I have been on both sides of that scale.
ReplyDeleteHeart wrenching
ReplyDelete